The Buddha told us that if there were two such powers in the world as strong as sexual desire, we would have no chance for enlightenment.

The topic at hand is how to control lust.

The Buddha told us that if there were two such powers in the world as strong as sexual desire, we would have no chance for enlightenment. Experience teaches many of us that aversion is as damaging as attachment; trying to avoid the matter entirely only intensifies its power within us.

Whether or not you’re sexually active, lust exists within you. It benefits all beings, then, to approach sexual desire from the point of one of the 10 Positive Virtues:

With stillness, simplicity and contentment, I purify my body.

Stillness: For those of us who are sexually active, spontaneity can be nice. But the decision to be sexually active must exist within a framework of mindful thought: Who is this person? Why am I going to have sex with them? Is it right for us to have sex? And for those who are not sexually active, the questions must similarly be asked: Why am I not going to have sex? Is it right for me not to have sex? For both: What is the most beneficial course of action?

I read about monks who will not even expose themselves to pictures of women in regular magazines in order to avoid eliciting sexual desire. I worry what might happen if a woman appeared in their midst; would they be so trained as not to notice, or would latent desire be awakened because all of their control is learned through avoidance?

This act of mindful awareness of one’s choices should take place on a greater and smaller scale: one chooses whether or not to have sexual partners, one chooses whether or not to have a particular sexual partner, and one chooses whether or not to have sex at any given time. All should be attended mindfully. This process (for those of you who choose to be active on the greater scale) should not detract from the joy of the union. It should instead ensure that such union occurs only when it is truly possible.

Simplicity: Sexual matters should be simple, unfettered, honest. If you cannot be honest about your sexuality and sexual desire with a potential partner, you should not have sex. Affairs, for example, are complicated. Shame about one’s sexual desires is common in the West. Unless you can open to your shame or transcend it, sex should be attended to carefully. (In the West, a loving relationship often helps heal the wounds of shame, which is why I don’t proscribe against sex in this case… I recommend compassion). Nor should sex be avoided if it involves dishonesty and complication to do so.

Contentment: Both you and your partner should be able to enjoy sex. Guilt reveals inner tension which should be explored and healed. Similarly, if you are celibate, make the choice and be content with it. Explore what it means to be sexual or non-sexual in this moment, not as a lifelong thread. Be content with your status right now.

In all, develop the right attitude toward your sexual desire so that you respond to it with appropriate action. If sex becomes more of an issue in your life (whether celibate or active) than other elements, you have become imbalanced.

Recommendations for balancing your desire: Meditate. Get out with friends. Talk to your sangha members. Be active, play a sport. Read the sutras, or a new book

In short, unbalanced sexual desire usually results from a feeling of lack within oneself. When in a relationship, how many of us have asked for sex as a token of our partner’s love for us? How many of us place too much emphasis on sex as proof of love?

This is the hungry ego driving us, wanting, wanting, wanting; and it subsumes the power of lust within itself and becomes a ravenous power without compassion. Lust devours your partners, it consumes them.

See that image, of lust with your loved one in its mouth, his or her blood spilling over its teeth. See your loved one struggling still, crying and screaming in fear and pain, his or her anguish echoing with all the other victims of lust and power. Now realize just whose teeth are gnashing your loved one’s soul.

There. Compassion is sparked. This is not how you wish to love your partner. Your heart wakes, it cries out in sympathy and the energy of compassion and wisdom grows stronger within you. The ego and lust, being illusions, have no power against the diamond and the lotus.

Tend now to your partner’s wounds. Be aware of this feeling, right now, this care, this concern, this compassion. Only in this state is sexual activity truly beneficial.