“Sounds like someone needs a teacher.”

On Thursday and Friday, J and I retreated to Vermont for a mini-vacation. I’d just been to Bermuda, so I didn’t need one as much as she did, but the opportunity to get out of the city and to spend time with a loved one doesn’t present itself every day.

I’ve learned in these past two vacations that I can’t abandon my practice for more than a few days, or I very quickly revert to the patterns and habits developed prior to my dedication to practice. In terms of meditation, my mind grows wild and unrestrained – the calm that practice brings to me vanishes – and in terms of yoga, my body knots up, the muscles tighten and strangle, and between the two I feel just how small my self is when I’m not diligent in my practice. I can’t breathe, I can’t move well, and I can’t express well.

So practicing Friday morning with J gave me an invaluable chance to get back on track after a week of sporadic practice – though I’d gone to Monday’s meditation practice at the Dzogchen Center, I wrestled with Bermuda-mind for the whole time. I couldn’t be quiet or still. And I struggled with myself in my yoga practice until Friday as well, trying to force tight muscles to loosen up and let me do the asanas.

She asked why I didn’t try to teach Buddhism now. When I told her that I felt that I needed the transmission of the light, a connection between myself and the lineage of Buddhism, she looked at me and, with a laugh, smiled, “Sounds like someone needs a teacher.”

This is true. I trust my insights, but they are my own. To teach Buddhism to others requires a sense of coordination with the lineage as a whole. How much of my own interpretation can I share with others and still teach Buddhism? If I guide students using my own understanding of karma, for example, am I leading them toward their enlightenment, or am I deluding them? These are the questions that draw me toward finding a teacher of my own.

Understandably, I feel compelled to attend the Kalachakra initiation in Toronto in April and May. Not long ago I experienced a dream-vision of the initiation in which the His Holiness the Dalai Lama stood at the center of a vast throng of initiates, a beam of pure light emanating upward from his being. I understood that this light extended into the past as well, engulfing all those who received and transmitted the light of the Dharma. In the vision, I both stood among the crowd and saw it from above at an angle. As the moments progressed, the light caught fire, like flame, engulfing those standing at the inner edges of the circle of initiates. But the light spread in seconds, a wildfire, the whole crowd suddenly aflame with pure light consciousness, a beacon of Dharma extending a light of peace into space and time.

And I was within that vast light, a receiver and a transmitter.

How can I not heed this vision and receive the transmission of Dharma? Tibetan Buddhists talk about the seed of enlightenment being planted during initation, and I believe this experience will be key to my growth as a Buddhist spiritual being.

And as a human. I wanted to be a perfect being long before I was Buddhist, and when I first embraced this path, I did so because I thought it would lead me in that direction. I now understand that I need to come to terms with myself as a human being before I can deal with myself as a spiritual being.

Amazing how we spend so much time trying to escape ourselves, to fill something that’s missing, and Buddhism teaches us to relax into our humanness, to return to where we started, and seek enlightenment there.