So, as I sit, that’s the answer I get so far. “Reply Hazy. Try Again.” Sit again. Just sit.

I’ve been having a lot of trouble in my meditation practice lately; a sense of restlessness comes up whenever I’m sitting, and my body has resisted attempts to relax and open. My bones crackle and my muscles stick and my feet fall asleep and they all keep telling me I need to move around. Combine that with a rather frequent tendency to worry about something in my life and you have a very active monkey mind. I have a feeling it’s a direct response to my trying to use meditation strictly as a calming practice when I need to use it to cultivate mindfulness, which in turn creates clarity, which has its own stillness.

Last night’s Dzogchen meditation group ended on a positive note, even though I struggled so much through the sitting: one of the other group members came up behind me, calling out ‘Hey, Zen-boy!’ I turned around in time to see a rather attractive member of the group tossing me a zafu, which I caught and placed on the pile before I continued to stack. She interrupted me again, introducing herself to me with a smile, we talked for a few moments and I returned to my duties. I felt happy to meet someone new, even if for a brief moment, and hope that a friendship might develop.

Speaking of which, I feel as if the current energy between myself and J. is strong in love and care but less in a romantic sense, even what’s coming from me. I also find that I’m settling into the ebb and flow of these changes and not having so much trouble with movement back and forth from romantic relationship to friend based on our feelings at the time. We relate most honestly that way, and I’ve realized I require honesty from those I’m close to.

Why? Because I’m strongly empathic. I can often sense what people are feeling without their conscious action toward that – in fact, even when their actions and words tell me the opposite, I can still often sense their inner or unconscious emotions. Here’s where honesty is important to me: I’d be foolish to blindly trust the empathic signals because they feel similar to feelings within myself – doubts and fears can cloud empathy’s judgment. Moreover, it seems presumptuous to say I know what people think without asking them, even if J. has said (in mock exasperation), “You seem to know what I’m thinking even before I do!” So I trust also the words and deeds people present consciously to me.

If their words and deeds conflict with my empathic understanding, it unsettles me. I find that discord more difficult to deal with than someone simply saying, for example, “I need some space. Could we continue this another time?” If I hear someone saying “I want you here with me," and I feel them wanting space, I want to trust my perception and yet I want to trust their words, and I am lost as to my response. The confusion leads to misunderstanding and isolation.

So, I’m different from most people. I’d rather have the truth, difficult or not, right out in front of me rather than have my feelings spared, because the truth actually allows me to deal with something concrete and sure. It might not be easy at first, but I find it far easier to deal with knowing than complete not-knowing, especially in a situation where I’m trusting the natural flow of a relationship rather than settling it into a specific definition or role.

So, as I sit, that’s the answer I get so far. “Reply Hazy. Try Again.” Sit again. Just sit.