It’s easy to forget to spend quiet time in the solace of my own self.
When I moved to Boulder from Boston, I left behind friends and loved ones in search of a space of my own, a space where I could return to the passions and interests that fuel me, rediscover myself as an individual person, and seek the wisdom that comes from the quietude of being by oneself.
But it didn’t quite happen that way. I found very close friendship quickly with just a few people, the kind where hours slip by in easy, enjoyable, comfortable conversation. And I quickly learned to expect that level of interaction, that level of interpersonal stimulation. I fell in love with being around loved ones.
About the time of my birthday, that changed, and I lost that daily interaction – so I threw myself into work, into play, into interaction with other people nearby… by the following weekend, I’d worn myself out perhaps more completely than any other time in my life. I hadn’t stopped in weeks. I hadn’t breathed. I hadn’t taken time alone with my thoughts, in that shadowed, scary place where self-doubts and gnawing anxieties arise.
Our relationships are best when they are like two flames warming and dancing with each other, drawing from their own fuel. When I use my friendships to replace my own lack of energy, or inspiration, or spiritual fuel, I drain them… I diminish their glow. And the same happens when they do it to me.
I’ve found it hard sometimes to see that point when things cross over, because it isn’t always something that you see in relationship. Oftentimes, you see it when you’re alone. Perhaps craving attention, wishing someone was around to whom you could talk – about anything – the weather even. When you don’t let yourself take that time, you don’t even see it.
But in the past few weeks, both by choice and by necessity, I’ve spent more time breathing, more time remembering being happy and comfortable by myself. It feels good. Spacious.. as if the world is opening up an array of opportunities to me and simply saying – take your time… choose well.
I don’t mind hanging out by myself. It brings me back to my center.